Coming to Terms

J. Simpser

Read Time: 5 minutes

The hardest thing so far was making the decision to look into adoption. While there are plenty of people out there who adopt for altruistic reasons, we are being selfish. We are not adopting to “save a child” or “give a home to someone in need.” We are adopting because we want a family and this is seemingly the only way it will happen.

Doctors

My wife and I have been trying to have children for a little over 3 years now. We have seen multiple doctors from all areas of medicine including, but not limited to, OB/GYNs, Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility (REI) specialists, general Endocrinologists, Generic Counselors, general Practitioners or Internal Medicine doctors, Urologists, and many others. Each one has their own thoughts, opinions, and answers.

The most typical answer we received was “see a fertility specialist.” Finding one of those that we trusted was difficult. We read reviews online, posted anonymously on Facebook groups to get recommendations, and did online research into specialists. We finally decided on someone and began seeing him. He explained the different components of infertility, where things could go awry, and the steps to deal with it. What he didn’t tell us was how disheartening the process would be. Every step we thought we were taking forward resulted in a dead end.

Unfortunately, in our circles, people view biological children as the end all, be all. Friends of ours and people we know have gone through 2, 8, even 22 rounds of in-vitro fertilization (IVF) before getting pregnant. That’s crazy! When IVF can cost anywhere upwards of $10,000 an attempt, it seems financially difficult or even impossible. Also, who would want to put themselves or their loved one through so many attempts? A time or two I can understand, but 22? It’s not like IVF is just a pill you take; it’s shots, injections, pills, all to mess with hormones only to be poked, prodded, and treated like a machine with little to no feelings. I give a lot of credit to people who attempt IVF multiple times but I feel bad for all the pain, discomfort, and heartbreak it causes.

Break Time

We needed a break. After spending a lot of time, energy, and heart going through the fertility specialist, it was time for a much needed break. My wife has been amazing, nearly killing herself for us in the hopes of a family, all with nothing to show for it beyond the healing holes, empty pill bottles and vials, and a broken heart.

In our community, we have weekends with scholars-in-residents where scholars are invited to speak about different topics to help educate the community. A recent weekend was on the topic of infertility. We thought it would be nice for an expert to come in and teach the community about things that they have experienced and that we have been going through. However, the education committee who selected the experts picked people who could share an inspirational story. I’m all for people sharing their inspiration and the amazing journey they went through, but it paints a picture that there is only something to say or acknowledge if the end result is a child. For us, it continued to show that our community only cares if you have children, and more specifically, biological ones.

Other Options

After our much needed break, we decided that we still wanted a family. For us this meant coming to terms with the fact that we might not be biological parents to children. We would have to be adoptive parents instead. For some, this would have been an easy choice but given our circles and community, it was hard. It took us a lot of time talking to each other to be open to the idea of adopting. We sought out the help from our community leaders to get a better understanding on how it would be perceived in our community and what limitations, restrictions, or difficulties may be in store should we adopt.

The Comments

At this point, we are happily engrossed in the adoption process but getting here was a rough road. We have experienced many comments such as:

  • Why would you want to adopt?
  • The child isn’t even yours.
  • At least you’ll have children, even if they aren’t real.
  • We’ll have the first real grandchild for Mommy and Daddy.
  • You can’t adopt, it’s not how we do things.
  • Have you tried all your other options?
  • I know people who can help with infertility, you don’t have to adopt.
  • You’re so young, why are you bothering now?

None of these comments are welcome or appropriate. We expected when we started telling people that there would be comments, but we didn’t expect so many negative ones. People outside the adoption world need to learn better things to respond. For example, when we share that we are planning on adopting, a bad response is “that’s a terrible idea. Why not try XYZ.” Instead, try “that’s great. We are so happy for you. We wish you lots of love and luck. Let us know if you need anything or a reference. You’ll make great parents to any child.” Positive comments can go a long way in making the decision and journey an easier one. With people on your side supporting you, the journey will feel so much shorter and easier.

Our decision to adopt has been drastically harder because of all the negative comments. Some people are born to adopt and live to give back in that manner. Others, like us, have found that adoption is our only option for a family. Coming to terms with this fact has been hard enough for us, but add all the negative comments and all we want to do is put up walls and cut people out of our life.

Hopefully, we can all begin and help others understand what it takes to choose to adopt and support those in the process instead of shooting them down.

All the best,

J. Simpser